What is going on? 馃槄
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I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don鈥檛 think my kid can poop that much
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don鈥檛 care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they鈥檙e mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they鈥檙e even more mad at you for not鈥checks notes]鈥etting them get a pet venomous snake
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Miscakes
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
never deleting this app.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
This is a bargain. I鈥檝e always paid at least $5.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they鈥檒l look ridiculous when I鈥檓 old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.