I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
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“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.