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Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Siri, fight Alexa.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”