It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
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New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
The answer is funnier than the question
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
This could be us… but you playing
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.