Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
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Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it