screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
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Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
“I’m helping” 😅
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!