I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
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[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
can’t talk my ride’s here
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.