Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
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Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!