Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
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My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.