Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
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I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…