King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
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Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Des Moines Police having a normal one
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.