When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
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🤣could you imagine
Left at a local drug store…
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.