One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Passed by a old school Math example today.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement