[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
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Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists