[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
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Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Google Pay be like:
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
worst…sale…ever
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
did it work
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.