That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
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the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
*struts into the new year
~ trips
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.