SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
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The prophecy is fulfilled
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
fixed it
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Aight bet
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
The morning after pill, but for tweets
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.