People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
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*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.