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– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few