[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
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Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes