Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
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Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”