Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
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My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not