Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
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[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
A leaf blower, but for people.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.