OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
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The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.