Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
You Might Also Like
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*