At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
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Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
*performs CPR on the turkey*
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.