A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
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Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
[the middle of showering] I need a break
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
My safe word is Worcestershire
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing