This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
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Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Just got to our Airbnb!
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?