Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’