“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
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“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end