[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
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For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
me when I see my crush
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.