Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
You Might Also Like
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
your honor my client chooses dare
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds