My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
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If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt