me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
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What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror