A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
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“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Okey dokey.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Why soy sad?
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.