We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
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it must be school picture day
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant