My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
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Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook