Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
You Might Also Like
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
This is not me but this is me
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Aw man, but that’s the best part
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer