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Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Has there ever been a more American story?
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay