I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
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mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I’m sorry…what?
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…