Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
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Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
fourth time’s the charm
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.