[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
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World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Huge, if true.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs