When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
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*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
How do dragons blow out candles?
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.