Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
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using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.