*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
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Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
the short answer to this question
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat