1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
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spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.