COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
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Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
me: my friends:
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Unexpected Judgment
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.