I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
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911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.