when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
You Might Also Like
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately