You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
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Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
selfie game
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.